Deadpool 3: Santa Strikes Back

December 9, 2022

Deadpool's Synopsis

Let's get this straight: I never wanted to get into a fight against some random dude in the middle of a Christmas parade, but sadly that A.I.-run theatre had other plans just to amuse you guys. Now the only hope I have at this point is a pissed-off Santa who's not afraid to show off his Gen-Z ass humour to the world. What's next, having my weapons used by some edgy Hatsune Miku as fidget spinners? And who the hell is this "Neonriser" guy, anyways? Guess we'll have to find out...

The Plot

I recall being inside a theatre. But it wasn't like the other theatres I've been in: it looked a lot like one of those places in Hibachi restaurants where you sit down and eat the food a chef cooked in front of you (not to mention even playing a little game where they toss a piece of broccolli into your mouth). I was surrounded by an enormous screen that was shaped like a dome, and had the ability to make 3D objects appear as if they were real.

I watched a movie called Deadpool 3, and there was a scene that I remembered the most clearly out of all of them. There was a final battle scene where Deadpool was fighting against a gray, humanoid figure in the middle of a Christmas parade. Most of the fight involved Deadpool and the gray figure bouncing around as if the cake-like parade vehicles were trampolines. Eventually Santa got involved and assisted Deadpool in the fight. I think there was this one part where Santa fired his reindeer missiles at the enemy, which was probably a display of his strange sense of humour.

The reason why the scene was memorable is because it stood out the most compared to the movie: there was no foreshadowing or even a mention of Santa throughout the film, and the only thing I remember besides the Christmas Parade fight scene was a pair of dudes (at least one of them is wearing a motorcycle helmet) talking to each other while the sun shone brightly at them. Unless you watched Deadpool 3, you wouldn't know that the two scenes I remembered belonged to the same movie.

Eventually the theatre gave me a strange-looking 3DS that gradually morphed into a PSP. I played Black Rock Shooter on the console. You play as the character who happens to have the same name as the game's title, and you fight across a barren city landscape against gray figures that vaguely resembled miliaristic policemen. But they're not the only ones who wield a pair of blades, fortunately -- by moving one of the joysticks, the Black Rock Shooter can slash away the horde of enemies and unleash devastating combos. She can also spin them around as if they were fidget spinners as exemplified in the Dead Master boss fight, which takes place in what looks like a nightclub.

One of Dead Master's attacks was firing missiles at the player, which can be easily deflected by the Fidget Spinner technique. Her missiles can strike from any direction and trajectory, so you have to hold your joysticks in the direction where they head towards you if you wish to stand a chance against her formidable rival!

Possible Theories

• The theatre is playing Deadpool 3 to showcase various kinds of 3D-effects, such as blood being splattered towards the audience.
• I went out for a dinner party with other people in a Hibachi restaurant, which may explain the theatre's appearance.
• Santa sided with Deadpool during the final fight because he did something good and wholesome at some point in the movie, like talking someone out of jumping out of the top of the building.
• One of the dudes in the sunlit scene may turn out to be Deadpool, for he is the most important character in the movie.
• Deadpool may have apologized to someone for killing their brother in self-defense at some point in the movie.
• The movie's plot would most likely to involve Deadpool trying his very best to improve himself as a person, motivated by a single thought: "Man, I'm so bored. I wish I'm not killing people right now so I can focus on other things like playing on the trumpet."
• There is a scene that shows Deadpool playing the trumpet. In true Deadpool fashion, he would ask the audience what songs he would play for them. After all, the merc doesn't have a mouth for nothing.
• The movie would reveal itself to be an extremely long twitch stream that happened to play at theatres near you during the trumpet scene.
• Deadpool might have some beef with the mysterious gray figure, in some shape or form.
• Santa is a man filled with Gen-Z humour, and has a deep hatred with those who dare disturb the peace.
• The theatre noticed that the audience has either finished watching the Deadpool movie or has grown bored of it after watching it several times, which would explain the Black Rock Shooter segment of the show.
• The show appears to have no beginning and no end, which means that the audience can show up and leave anytime they want without feeling obligated.
• The theatre is intelligent enough to cater to the audience's desires and needs. If they want a fresh and funny film about a self-aware murderous madman and his series of misadventures that would eventually lead him to an epic final battle in true Marvel fashion, then that's what they get.
• The theatre is struggling to figure out what kind of gaming console the audience would play on (which would help explain why the gaming console kept adjusting its physical appearance).
• The theatre takes place in one of the enormous shopping malls that I keep visiting in my dreams. Are they really just separate shopping malls, or are they actually connected into one? No one knows the answer.
• The enemies the Black Rock Shooter fights may be connected to the mysterious figure Deadpool was fighting in the movie, due to being both humanoid and gray in colour.
• The Black Rock Shooter has the same kind of dual-wielding capabilities as Deadpool, which is why he believes that she stole his weapons when he wasn't looking.
• Strangely enough, the Black Rock Shooter isn't seen using her signature firearm during the gameplay. This is because either I was doing the "No Gun Run" challenge, someone stole her weapon and she needed to get it back, or I didn't know how to use her ranged weapon in the first place.
• Equally as strange is that Deadpool isn't using guns either. Could he be holding back his true power to symbolize his newfound self-restraint and redemption, or that guns are prohibited in theatres?
• If a gun is used in movies, they cannot be played in the theatre because the characters using them would end up killing at least one of the audience members.
• Dead Master has an unhealthy obsession with Black Rock Shooter, to the point where she would pop out of nowhere just to pester her and challenge her to a fight.
• The Black Rock Shooter game played in the dream is actually a prototype from around 2007, before the developers realized that their playable protagonist's hair resembled those of Hatsune Miku's.
• At some point after the prototype is released in theatres, the developers realized that reserving a pair of joysticks to blade-based combat is actually a stupid idea that only works on Playstation consoles. They also realized the PSP has only one joystick, so dual-wielding has been thrown off the table and replaced with a katana, which was very popular back in the 2000s and the early 2010s among "cool people" who happen to enjoy anime.
• The original enemies, on the other hand, got to keep their dual blades. Lucky them!
• As a tribute to this ridiculous mechanic, you could actually learn the Fidget Spinner Blade technique as a reward for completing an optional side-quest. This technique is very useful for deflecting projectiles and makes the boss battles involving Dead Master a lot easier, just as the developers intended.
• It is unclear on what the finished game looks or plays like, but trust me, it's nothing like Black Rock Shooter: The Game, which you can actually pick up and play on the PSP. In REAL LIFE.
• Maybe the theatre has a thing for cool, edgy portagonists, and would love to share its interest with the audience.

Deadpool's Conclusion

Well hot damn, that's a lot to take in! It turns out the theatre was actually a byproduct of Neonriser's night-mind. If there's dumb clowns and crimefighting pandas running around in his head, then I can say it's a crazy place to be in! Gotta go, I gotta find where I left my guns. Also, say hi to Santa when you have the chance. And also ask that Black Rock Shooter lady where she got the swords from, it can save your life. Or not, who knows? Just don't be a prick about it, and you're good to go! Adios!